I hate it when people who call me up ask me what I’m doing.

The other day a long-time friend, who I’d already asked not to do it, did it, I’m sure without thinking, then was offended when I reminded her that it is a question I’d asked her not to ask me.  When I’d told her that a few days before when she’d asked the question, and she had readily agreed not to ask, she didn’t even remember that we’d had this conversation before and she’d agreed then as well.  Yet, there she was, mindlessly asking it yet again. It seems like an innocent enough inquiry. Folks always ask it.  Most people answer without even thinking about it.  But, most people don’t care about, or attach as much significance as I do, to words.

I always knew it made me feel uncomfortable, but I didn’t really think about why. When she became offended I started thinking about it.  I realized that I am a pretty honest, straightforward person and when someone asks me a question I answer it truthfully, without even thinking.  But I realized I don’t like the idea of accounting for my activities to people and being judged about it.

Why does someone need to know what you’re doing when they call?  For me, the only reason I can think of is to make sure I’m not interrupting them by calling at an inconvenient time.  So, that’s what I ask.  “Did I catch you at a bad time?  Can you talk now?”  The simple yes or no answer is all I need.  If they want to add more and tell me what they are doing, that’s up to them and that’s fine with me.  But, they are not telling me because I asked.  What they were doing is none of my business. Why do I need to know?  Even between the best of friends, everyone has a part of their lives for public consumption and a part that is private—hopefully.  If I am engaged in a private part, and I answer truthfully, I’m divulging more than I care to.  If I don’t, I’m forced to lie.  Why should I be put in that position?

In my experience, telling someone what I’m doing usually results in them responding by commenting upon it.  That comment is usually a value judgment about it.  If I say I’m twiddling my thumbs, I get a lecture on what a ridiculous waste of time twiddling one’s thumbs is. But twiddling my thumbs may make perfect sense in light of the rest of what I’ve been doing or am getting ready to do.  Why do I need to be judged for that?  Why are we even having a conversation about it?  What does it have to do with why you called me?  I may be happy to hear your voice, but then we are waylaid by your first question about what I’m doing.  It’s not that I am trying to hide what I’m doing, it is simply irrelevant to why you called.  And if I care to share, I will.

Or, I may simply be doing something that isn’t worth talking about and I don’t feel the need to do so, but also don’t feel like having to lie to get out of talking about it.

So, save us the trouble and don’t ask.