Yesterday I was talking to a young unmarried father who had been taken to court for child support by his child’s mother.  Thankfully, he had checks and receipts showing he had been taking care of his responsibilities.  Apparently the mother was ( as so many do) keeping him from seeing the child because she was angry about the break up. He wanted full custody.  I told him that with the presumption courts have that children are best left with their mothers unless there is something very serious going on, good luck with that.

What I thought was interesting was that he was truly upset that the baby’s mother’s family had not reached out to him after the break up.   He said that if he ever got custody of the baby, he would never allow the baby to see them so that they could see how they had made him feel. He thought they had been friends, but apparently not so much.

Thinking I would agree, he was surprised when I told him that keeping the child from her family because they hurt his feelings was not a good plan.

He hugged me when I said that keeping the baby from that part of the family was about revenge for him, but for the innocent kid who had nothing to do with any of that, it would simply be depriving a child of family—actually, the only family the baby had ever known.

I told him that while he may be making the family hurt by not allowing them to see the baby, he was hurting his child more by keeping the child from family, and that like it or not, now that he has a child, it was now all about his child, not about him.

When he hugged me, he said that what I said was right and made so much sense, and that he loved me for saying it.  It made him realize that he had selfishly been thinking about his own hurt feelings, the fact that he felt so little control over something as important as being able to see his own child, and had totally ignored the impact his actions would have on his child.

I was just glad he could recognize the error of his thinking.

I get that anger makes you want to do things that strike out to hurt others when you are feeling pain.  I get that a great revenge can taste divinely delicious.  I get that feeling powerless and as if someone else has all of the control is crazy-making and makes you want to scream and do terrible things.

Been there.  Done that.  I truly get it.

But once you have children, you don’t have that privilege anymore.  You have to have foresight.  You have to be able to figure out beforehand what will be in their best interest before you make decisions that may make you feel better momentarily, but will hurt them in the end, perhaps with lasting effects far different than you imagined, when they have done nothing to deserve it.

I’ve been married twice.  If it were legal, I would be able to say three times, but since my longest relationship (15 years) and the love of my life was with another female and marriage was not possible, I just say I was married twice to men, but my longest relationship  was with a female.  At the reception for my second marriage, it was my ex-husband and my  former partner who jointly gave the wedding toast.  My second husband was Egyptian and comes from a country that had, weeks before I visited there, killed several men because they were suspected of being gay.  Yet, he quickly grew to love my former partner.  He would often call her up just to talk (we’re in different states), and he trusted her tremendously—a big deal for him.  So much so, that even though who she was had been made perfectly clear to him from the start, at some point after it became clear how much he loved and trusted her,  I asked, “You do remember who she is, right?”  He quickly said, “Yes!  Yes!  But she is wonderful and that is what matters.  What my country taught me is shit!” (his worst expletive, and one that was his final say in how utterly terrible something was).  That kind of clear thinking was part of what made me marry him in the first place.

People are always surprised when I tell them that I do not have family strife from my previous relationships and we all get along well.  Just the other day, someone said, “I can’t even imagine that with my situation.”  My first husband and my partner both visited at Christmas.  Our three daughters were there, as were the grandkids.  This is how it should be. We had a great time. That is what matters.  All the kids and grandkids care about is that there are people who love them. My 8-year-old granddaughter was shocked to find out that her granddad and I had been married (we often forget they weren’t always here and don’t know what the rest of us do).  On Valentine’s Day, even though my second husband and I have been divorced for six years, he called to say that I am still his “grrreat LOVE!” and that divorce was only a piece of paper.

Of course, without a good deal of work, it could have turned out very differently.  Whenever there is a break up, it generally is not pleasant (actress Gwyneth Paltrow and husband rock star Chris Martin’s recent “conscious uncoupling” notwithstanding).  If you care to waste your time continuing to live that space of unpleasantness, by all means do so.  You’ve seen enough movies to know exactly what I mean.  People who choose to live in acrimony, continuing to make themselves crazy, rather than letting it go and moving on.

But, when you have children as a part of it, you really don’t have that option.  At the worst time in your life, even if it is a wanted or necessary separating, when it takes all you have just to put one foot in front of the other to get through a day, you have to also deal with your children.   If you think the break up is traumatic for you–even if it is your own doing—think about how world-shaking it is for them.  And they don’t even have any power or choice in the situation.

In the aftermath, you have no option but to make the choice to conduct yourself in the way that is best suited to give them the best you can out of it.  You may not be together with their other parent, but you can at least make it easier for them by not constantly putting them in the middle of a war between the two of you, forcing them to feel they have to choose between their parents when they are exceedingly loyal to both, or depriving them of the love of those who want them in their lives.  Whatever issues you have with the significant other need to stay between the two of you, rather than have the kids brought into it. They may even ask to be included, but you have to understand the impact and know where to draw the boundary lines.

The old African proverb says that when the elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers.  Kids are the grass and deserve better.

From the outset of the breakup, in my family, it was the kids that mattered for us.  That was always our North Star.  Whenever something did not go as we wished or we got angry or pissed and wanted to lash out, we had to remember the kids. We loved them and wanted what was best out of the situation for them.  Starting with that and working toward what that meant we should do always pointed us in the right direction of the best choice.  It also saved lots of heartache and unnecessary drama and always left the kids with a firm foundation.

Considering the (admittedly) unusual situation, we had very little drama.  It simply isn’t something we wanted our kids to have as an experience, memory, or legacy. They had only one childhood and we wanted it to be as good as possible under the circumstances.  That meant not giving way to personal indulgence and instead thinking about what would be best for them.

You know you’ve done something right and it was worth the sacrifice, when your former mother-in-law, and your ex-husband both send you letters at various times, telling you what an incredibly wonderful mother you are and how lucky the kids are to have you. Or when you still receive Valentine’s Day cards from the love of your life 20 years after your breakup.

Love is amazing.