I went to commencement at my university today.  I didn’t just go this time.  I actually participated.  I hadn’t done that in ages.  I rarely even go.  It just didn’t seem worth the effort.  Shlepping over to the bookstore to rent and pay for regalia, finding a parking space when thousands are competing for it, fighting the hordes of people, sitting in the hot sun in the stifling yards of cloth and the silly hat.

Aside from the inconvenience, commencement is also really sad for me.  I try to forget that the students are leaving. I just tell myself they just aren’t taking a class from me this semester.  Last week I saw a student who said she had me 20 years ago.  That made it hard to keep up my mental charade. 🙂

Rather than think about what the occasion meant for the students, I selfishly only thought about how sad it was for me to see them leave.

When I decided to retire this year, I promised myself I would do all the things I don’t usually do.  This was one of them.  Even though I decided months ago not to retire after all, I decided to keep the promise.  Especially after receiving the email that they were trying to get more faculty to attend by paying for parking, regalia rental and serving a table-cloth dinner beforehand.  I figured if they could make all that effort, I should too.

I have to be honest and say that it is really also hard to choose to be in a setting where your minority status is so blatant and obvious. It’s hard enough to be in that position when you have to, so when you can avoid it, you  do. It’s one thing to be in your own college or classroom, where the minority numbers are small enough.  But, somehow it gets magnified when it’s the whole university you’re dealing with.  Even though you’ve made the choice to be there, what you go through every day to do your job is pretty trying. Seeing it on an imminently  grander scale is even moreso.   Of course, this is a double-edge sword, because minority students feel the same way–  which is a big reason why I should be there to support them.  They want to see me too.  In fact, probably everybody does because even majority folks want to feel like they are in a racially diverse setting.

So, today, I bit the bullet and went.  I can’t tell you how unbelievably comforting it was to see other minority friends from other colleges across the campus and sit with them at dinner.  What fun!

And so was commencement.  The speaker was inspiring, the students were awesome, and the fireworks at the end were a delight.  The administration was even kind enough to place a goodie bag  of a bottle of water and the program in our seats. The students started clapping when they saw faculty filing in and I realized how special our being there in that silly academic regalia going back hundreds of years made the occasion feel for them.  At our earlier college ceremony, three of them left the line going up on stage to come and hug me.  It didn’t happen with any other professor I saw. It wasn’t even the minority students.

I feel blessed that I could have touched them so.

And I feel ashamed.

I should have been thinking of the students rather than myself all this time.  With as much as I care about them and their lives that I will forever be a part of, I should have been there for them at one of the most important ceremonies they will have.  Of course, they’re not crying into their beer over it, and probably didn’t even note it, but it would have been better had I been there.

Duly noted.